everything is just a fairytale....|
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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Tuesday, September 11th, 2012|
September 11, 2012.
I wish I could just move to say....Austin....San Antonio.....Dallas....California....anyw
here. I want to leave that part of the past behind and never have to visit it again. I want her to forget him and me. I want a new start without her constant prescene interrupting everything and making some problem.
I want to forget.
I have too many mixed feelings about her that I really don't want to visit. Especially now.
The good side.
I want to forgive, forget about everything she put us through. and move on.
The bad side.
I don't want to talk to her again. I don't want to visit her again. I don't want anything to do with her ever again.
I feel that that is fair. I don't want to act as though everything is fine between us and go back to "normal". It won't happen. EVER. and I am completely ok with that. I don't want her to even contact Jonas. I don't want him subject to her anymore.
But i can't split him from his family.
Though I don't see why I can't. His brother doesn't care about him. He only wants to boss him around. His mother only wants him to do her work for her. Take her kids to school for her, pick them up. Go to the store. the list goes on.
Why can't he cut them off and say you know what? I don't want to be around you anymore. I don't want to keep going through this stupid cycle and mood swings.
I'm good at cutting people off. Sure you think about them in the beginning. But not after a while. You change, you forget and you move on. The person is forgotten and it just becomes some story in the past.
Isn't that what a past is?
Not with family though huh?
Family is supposed to be forever.
But I'd have to disagree with that.
Family. Is supposed to be those who care about you. Who look after you. And want to help you. Family is supposed to be the people who you can always look back to and know they'll be there. They fight. But they don't make you feel dumb. They don't treat you like someone who is just an errand person or a baby sitter. They're supposed to be the people who love you.
I know my family will always be there. I know mine care about me. I don't think his do. His dad yes. His brother no. His mother no.
The two girls fall out of this only because they're still little. They do love him. But they treat him with respect of a brother. They treat him like they're mother does. And that isn't love. that's mean.
No. I don't think I'll reply to her.
I don't think I'll give in to her this time.
I'm tired of being the nice guy.
She wants to know how I "truly am". Then she'll find out now. Current Mood: uncomfortable
|Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012|
|A Very Long 2 Weeks
I've learned that the past 2 weeks have been the longest 2 weeks i've come by so far this year.
My sister got married Friday May 11 at 11:30 a.m. at JP. I took pictures. I was happy to be apart of my sisters big day. I really enjoyed it. A lot of people don't really think we like each other too much. And they might be right. But if she asks me to be apart of something for her I will.
Saturday May 12
I woke up early with Jonas and when I say early I mean 6 in the morning early. His brother Ian was graduating and we had to be in Denton by 5:30 that evening. Oh, and drive back that same night. For those who do not know Denton is about a 5 to 6 hour drive from Galveston. We left the house by 8, I got us there by 12:30. We then went to have lunch with his dad (who lives in California) so it was a rare treat. However, Jonas' mom didn't approve of it. She wanted us to go with her for only God knows what. Her parents were in town, but keep in mind that we just saw a couple of weeks prior. Anyways, we have a nice little lunch, and go to the graduation to see Ian walk. It was very nice. I took pictures of him walking, and everything. He was happy Jonas showed up, along with his dad, mom, sisters, and grandparents. However Jonas' mom wasn't happy. She was pissed that Jonas chose his dad over her. Which honestly i think she blames me for. (why? i'm not too sure)
Anyways, Lisa is no longer talking to me. His grandparents are furious at us as well and his sisters are also giving him hell. I say "screw the all".
And to think we were going to Hawaii with them in August. I hope Jonas cancels the trip. Because I'm not going.
2 weeks later May 23
Now 2 weeks later, we're still in the same sicky position that we were in. Lisa tells Jonas to find his own auto insurance when really, that isn't hard. I feel bad though. I don't want Jonas to have to choose between his family. But I refuse to be apart of it anymore. I already work in a semi-stressful area and having to worry about whether Lisa is treating Jonas nice today or not is something that doesn't need to be happening.
Now, there's always two sides to every story. I know that. I respect that. I'd love to hear her side. But since I cannot. Here's mine.
i've known Jonas for over 2 years now. I've been around his family for over 2 years.
I just met his dad 5 months ago.
When I first met Jonas, he was always very quite and didn't speak much.
I spent the night at my friends house with him once (nothing happened) and I got in trouble. His mom didn't say anything to him. He doesn't even think she knew he was gone. I envied him for that. Wishing my mom was as easy going.
Then I started riding horses with her. She taught me the basics. Caring, riding, etc.
Then I started hanging out with her and her 2 girls (14 and 11)
I liked Nina (11) she reminded me alot of myself. Marcy (14) I liked, but I preferred Nina.
Then, Nina became very clingy, as did Marcy. (which is fine mind you this over a year)
I stopped hanging out with the 2 girls as much only because, (in my defense I'm 20 years old how many 20 year old actually want to hang out with 2 kids?) I was tired of the constant complaining, nagging, and always wanting to spend my
.....TO BE CONTINUED.
|Tuesday, May 1st, 2012|
For the past couple of nights I've been having trouble sleeping. I'm no too sure why.
Lastnight I woke up crying. (again I'm not sure why) Jonas was mad that I woke him up. I guess I can understand that.
I bought two coach purses and a wallet. I haven't done something like this in a really long time.
I think I'll buy Jonas a game. Spoil him too.
My sister is getting married May 11, 2012 @ 11:30 a.m. by JP.
I hope she'll be happy. I hear she's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Maybe she is.
I remember when she first started dating this guy. It was all "I love him and I love you's"
I wonder if that's how Jonas and I are going to get... I doubt it.
We're alike and different in many ways. He's messy, I'm organized.
He's quite while I try to speak my mind.
I think it works out. Two opposites. They always say opposites attract.
He's 6"1' now I believe. I'm only 5"1'. :( I try to give myself that extra inch ;)
I do love him though. He tries so hard to do everything for me. I'm just very independent. It's hard for me to give in.
I like to keep to myself, while he likes to be with someone.
Again, I think our relationship works out. We're not concerned with the whole "marriage" thing. I think we both know we're going to marry each other. Just not now. Same with the kid things. I know so many friends of mine that are pregnant or has kids. I'm content with waiting. So is Jonas. We both prefer to build ourselves up (money wise) first.
See I want a ranch with 5 horses. I want 5 dogs. 2 English Mastiffs, 2 Great Danes, and 1 Irish wolfhound.
I dream big and I expect and will to get there. Jonas likes the idea of money so it's a plus for both of us.
I don't want to be filthy rich, but comfortable living.
We both know we want 4 kids. (all boys)
I know I want to live out of Texas. Maybe Minnesota. (why there I don't really know)
We planned it all out.
We just don't have it written in stone. Hell we may not even have kids.
I'm content with just animals. lol
He probably isn't.
Anyways. I'm really tired.
Work in the morning.
|Friday, April 27th, 2012|
I haven't been on here since 2006. I was in 8th grade. Now, I'm 20 and in college with a full time job, car payment, apartment, and bills.. I guess we all grow up huh?
I was reading my sisters journal back from 2007 and 2008.
I think that was the hardest time in our lives. (one of them anyways)
That incident still seems the hardest one yet.
It made me who I am today. I still can't say no to someone. Worried about what will happen if I do.
I miss him.
But I've learned to breathe, take myself away to a different place. No more worries. Right kid?
You don't have to worry anymore.
It's weird because as I read her journal she actually told her side. Her view. Her story. No one knows my side. Maybe the small part that I told. But never into detail. I've told myself plenty of times.
Let's see how this goes...
My sister met this guy when she worked at the movie theater. it was cool. She wanted my opinion. and my mom's. He came up to the car one day when we were dropping her off at work. I still remember it. It was sunny, hot, but with a slight wind. I had my window down, my mom was driving, and i see a tall, blonde guy poke his head down on my side. My sister to the side saying "this is Phillip". He was cute. Someone I never knew my sister would take an interest in.
(now for my defense. my sister always considered herself not pretty. and that is not true. she was always pretty. she just believed she wasn't. and therefore she considered some guys "out of her league". and by the looks of him. I would have thought he would be one of them.)
He shook our hands, introduced himself. and that was it.
Then they started talking more.
I saw my sister happy. For the first time.
He used to come over ALOT. It didn't bother me.
I liked him too. (but not like the way she did)
It was my summer before 9th grade. I had a boyfriend. But i didn't want to be with him.... (as mean as that sounds.)
Phillip talked to him. He said he seemed nice...just not for me. I remember that. I was standing by the living room window. He was in the middle of the living room.
I broke up with him. (my boyfriend)
Started dating this guy i liked for yearrs.
I was also starting my high school volleyball team.
Phillip used to help me. Play with me. Serve it to me.
I was a backrow passer. He helped me get ready.
He used to take me to the movies when morgen was working and mom went to galveston.
He used to take us to dinner.
He was nice.
I don't... I didn't know what happened.
All of a sudden he was gone.
No more phone calls
No more visits
My sister started getting sad.
She stopped smiling.
She stopped talking about him.
Suddenly it was like he dissappeared.
a month passes. still no word.
two months pass.. no word.
Suddenly he's back. Like he was never gone.
My sister wasn't happy. So I wasn't happy.
He hurt her feelings. He broke her heart.
I was mad. I didn't like him anymore.
He kept comming by. She wouldn't see him.
I told him to leave.
So he left.
He'd come back again.
Again, we told him to go.
I remember the last day I saw him.
It was mother's day.
We let him in.
It was mother's day, and he critized us for not serving mom breakfast in bed.
At the time we had the flat iron taken from us. Phillip was determined to get it back.
When my mom told him no he was shocked.
it was funny. I saw my sister laugh.
We went to the mall. My sister bought a poster. She was excited. She accidently hit him in the balls. (to her defense it was by accident.... i think...) anyways. he made a whole dramatic scene. I saw my sister laugh again.
He disappeared again.
January 31, 2007 around 4:30 p.m.
We're at my grandmothers house. My sister was taking classes at the college. She was getting ready to go. As I lay on my grandmothers couch in the living room, the breeze blows my hair and for a split second its cold. Then, it's hot again. The breeze felt good. With my eyes closed, my phone resting on my stomach, i hear in the distance my sisters phone ringing. Her footsteps tell me she heard it as well.
(more footsteps only this time, they're faster)
By the sound of her voice, I sit up.
I follow the footsteps, into my grandmothers room where our mom is.
My sister is ahead of me.
my mom doesn't say anything at first.
"I just got a call from ...., he ........ ......."
To this day I can still feel my heart fall.
I can still feel the tremors as my hands start to shake.
I see walk past me. I see my mom follow. I hear them talking, but I can't remember what was said.
I remember my mom asking if she still wanted to go to class. She said yes. They leave to drop her off at school.
I call my boyfriend. He offers to come be with me. I decline.
I call my best friend. He offers to come be with me. I decline.
I sit on the couch, now I'm laying on the couch.
I can still see his face.
Hear his laugh.
Orange sweatshirt. White shirt. Gray sweatpants. brown shoes.
Curly blonde hair. that if you pulled would sometimes bounce back.
he was tall. and skinny. but muscular.
he used to pop his back standing up.
he used to pop everything. It was entertaining to see him get yelled at by my mom.
He got his eyebrow pierced. My dad had a sit down with him at the dinner table.
I never saw his face so red.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
I know my sister did.. I know she did for a long time.
I dreamed of him.
We were in the backyard. I was holding a drink.
a beer. I looked to my left and i saw him at the end of the gate standing there talking to people around him.
My mom was next to me and said "bring phillip the drink, he'll be thirsty"
So i did.
I sat down in front of him. and he smiled at me.
"can i ask you a question?"
"no, your just gonna cry"
"i am not. I just want to know"
"ok you can ask, but i warned you."
"Phillip, why'd you do it?"
"Because I thought you guys didn't love me anymore. But I know you guys did. I know that now."
"see kid, i told you you'd cry"
"i didn't mean to"
"i know" *he smiles*
I woke up crying that night.
I called my boyfriend cause I couldn't go back to sleep.
My friends thought I was depressed. I probably was.
We went to his wake. I remember the feeling I had.
I was cold, shaky, scared. I hadn't talked to my sister.
Her friend came with us for support for Morgen.
She wore a Black dress with heels.
I wore black pants and a dress shirt with heels.
She met his mom that day. I remember.
She got up and hugged my sister. Apologized for meeting on the circumstances.
We went to casket.
It wasn't him.
It couldn't have been.
He was old.
Phillip wasn't old.
He was only 18.
I called my boyfriend even though it was his sister that came to support my sister.
I remember crying to him.
I remember crying to him at night to sleep.
I think it was a lot of pressure for him.
We broke up that summer.
It was devastating for me.
To lose Phillip then him.
Although Phillip was lost and my ex wasn't. I still couldn't talk to him anymore.
I hit rock bottom back then.
I didn't know how to handle it.
I was deep in depression.
I couldn't get myself out.
I don't I ever truely did get out of the hole.
Somehow i made myself carry on. Be strong for my sister.
Watch her progress.
Days, Months, Years passed.
She got better, as did I.
Now, she's 23 with a fiance. Happy.
Now, I'm 20 with a 2 year relationship.
I love him.
He cares for me. He'll do anything as will I.
But I carry my past with me.
I just can't seem to let it go.
One thought always passes through.
What if I would have called like I said I would?
He just might be alive today.
Things would be different.
Maybe it is my fault.
Then again, maybe it isn't.
Maybe life goes in different directions so that we can find a new one. Current Mood: tired
|Monday, June 19th, 2006|
| New friends only signs. :) Current Mood: annoyed